


Washing Away

by magos186



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-13
Updated: 2010-04-02
Packaged: 2019-11-06 10:08:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17937803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magos186/pseuds/magos186
Summary: What if Jake wasn’t out hunting the day Bella jumped off the cliff? What if no one knew what she was planning? Will someone find her in time or will they be too late to save her?New Moon AU. Cannon Pairings.





	1. Chapter 1

Bella's POV

I can't take this life anymore. I need to end things once and for all. I don't care that he asked me to promise not to do anything reckless. First off, I never said the words "I promise." Second, he promised it would be like he never existed…that I wouldn't have to remember him. If that were true, then there wouldn't be this giant hole through my chest. I wouldn't hear his voice when I get on my motorcycle. I wouldn't see his face every night in dreams that quickly become nightmares. If he kept his promise, I would be able to breathe. I would be able to function like I did before I even met him. Everywhere I look I feel his absence. And I've tried so hard to forget. I've tried to go out with my old friends; I've tried to spend as much time as possible with Jacob, but nothing works. My friends…the only one who's even being remotely understanding is Angela, but even then she doesn't know what I've been through. And Jake? Ever since he became a wolf, he's changed. He's trying so hard to hold on to the sweet, happy, sunny kid he was a few months ago, but it's not working. He's still sweet and sometimes he can be sunny but he's so angry. He hates vampires with a passion I've never seen. He even hates…my former family. I don't know why. Aside from me, they've never hurt anyone. They don't hunt humans. They were here for two or three years before the wolf gene activated so he can't even blame them for that. I've discovered the date when Sam, the first of them, changed. The only thing it coincides with is the arrival of James and his coven. And they keep changing because Laurent and Victoria are still here. The Cullens were gone by the time Jake changed, so I really don't understand why he keeps blaming them. But that's a mystery I don't have time to figure out.

I've decided that I'm going to end my life. I love Charlie and I love Jake like a brother and I'm sorry for the pain this is going to cause them, but I just can't take this anymore. Every day is more painful than the last. Every day it becomes harder to find a reason to get out of bed. Every day it becomes harder to breathe. Of course, I don't let anyone see that. I know that I shouldn't do this, but there really is no other way that I can see. I've tried other things first. I've tried smoking and drinking…Charlie's not around enough to notice. I've also tried cutting. It's not like I have to worry about anyone wanting to drink my blood now.

I already know what I'm going to do. I'm going down to the cliffs in La Push. I'll leave my truck somewhere easy to find. Jake knew I wanted to try cliff diving. It can be written off as an accidental drowning. No one has to know the truth. No one has to know why I'm doing this. No one has to know that still love him…that I still love all of them even though they left me here to wither and die alone. They said they cared about me, that I was part of their family…but I guess when you live forever humans are nothing more than a passing fancy. I don't know if Alice is looking…if she'll see, but it's not like she'll be upset anyhow. She said I was her sister, her best friend, but she left me too. If she does see, she probably won't even tell him. It's not like he'd care either way. I was just a distraction for him. Some pet to keep and play with until he was ready to move on. I hope that wherever he is, he's happy, because I know that's something I will never be again.

  


Carlisle's POV

I miss my son. Edward was my first companion in this life and I miss him greatly. I understand his reasons for leaving. I understand all too well why he had the look of self-hatred on his face when Bella was hurt. I still remember the first time I met him. It was about a year before the influenza hit. He brought his mother into the hospital, her arm broken, her hand bleeding. When he brought her back a few weeks later for me to check her arm, they both had fresh bruises and healing cuts. It didn't take a genius to figure out that his father was beating them. I didn't know how long it had been going on for, but when Ed Masen Sr. was among the first to die in the outbreak, I felt so relieved that they wouldn't have to suffer anymore. However the true damage had been done. Even as a vampire, Edward always shied away from relationships, from women in the fear that he would hurt them. When he saw his mate bleeding because of something he'd done…it was like his nightmares had come true…that he had finally become his father.

I've told him over and over again that it's not possible. Ed was an evil, damaged man who thrived on fear and pain. Edward, for all his suffering, is still a kind and gentle man. He takes on the suffering of the world. He feels responsible for everyone and everything. But Bella? I've never seen my son so happy as when they were together. Whether he wants to admit it or not, she's his mate and vampires mate for life. The agony he's in must be unbearable. I know from experience how painful and devastating separating from your mate can be. Poor Marcus has been without his mate for so long and each passing year he withers away more and more. What Edward did was not right…but I understand.

I'm currently sitting in my study dialing the answering service for our house in Forks. I check the messages, what little there are, every other day. We've all changed our cell phone numbers at Edward's request, but I left the house phone in Forks the same. This way if there's an emergency at the hospital or if Bella by some miracle calls I can hear what they need. You have one new message the sterile voice tells me. I listen, but there's nothing there. I can hear whomever it is breathing though so I let the message play. Eventually I hear a piano. It's a beautiful melody. It's slightly hopeful in its melancholy. I hear a barely whispered "For Edward" before I hear a voice singing.

_It's four am again_  
_Father forgive me this sin_  
_Uncomfortable in this life yeah_  
_I can't put down this knife yeah_  
_I'm carving words in my arms baby_  
_These scars are part of my charm baby_  
_I need the touch of a hand_  
_This isn't what I had planned_

Oh no. Please tell me that she hasn't been hurting herself. I want to rush back to her immediately, but I force myself to keep listening.

 _I need relief from this life_  
_I wanna slip away into the night_  
_Don't wanna see the sun again_  
_But can't get swallowed up by this tragic whirlwind_  
_I wish the ocean was warm_  
_I feel like drowning_

 _I'm losing my faith in me_  
_I can't remember the last time I felt_  
_Free from voices inside my head_  
_When I taste liberation they just feed me fear instead_  
_You say I'm out of control_  
_At least I still have a soul_  
_No I don't need your advice_  
_Some compassion would be nice_

My heart is breaking. How can he not realize the pain he has caused this poor girl?

 _I need relief from this life_  
_I wanna slip away into the night_  
_Don't wanna see the sun again_  
_But can't get swallowed up by this tragic whirlwind_  
_I wish the ocean was warm_  
_I feel like drowning_

The music stops seconds later and I hear a whispered "Goodbye Edward" before the message ends. I jump from my chair and am out of the house in seconds. No one was in the house so I don't have to worry about explaining anything. I avoid my car, knowing I will get there faster if I run. Please God, let me be in time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I own nothing. This might be a bit strange at first, but everything will get explained. Also, usual deal of italics = flashback. Finally, I don't do lemons. I've read tons, but never tried my hand at writing one, so feel free to picture your own when the fade to black comes.

  
  
Bella's POV

I opened my eyes slowly, allowing them to adjust to the light filtering in through the dark, sheer curtains on my right. It was easy to tell that I was in a bedroom of some kind. When I moved my head to the left, I saw the most beautiful angel sitting there and I immediately knew I was dead. "I must be in heaven," I muttered. "I've never been so happy to see you."

"Bella, I'm so sorry love," he said in that beautiful, honeyed voice of his. "I had no idea this would happen. I just wanted you to be happy. I wanted you to have a normal life," my angel admits softly.

"The only time I was ever normal, the only time I was ever happy was when I was with you. I love you Edward."

"I love you my Bella. I never stopped."

I can see the truth of his words in his eyes, in his face. Just further proof that I've died and gone to heaven. I grab him behind his head and pull him on top of me with a strength I've never possessed. "Prove it," I whisper against his lips and I kiss him hard.

"Bella—"

"I'm already dead. You can't hurt me now."  


  
Edward's POV

She thinks she's dead. Of course she does. How else could she justify my being here? Right now that doesn't matter though. All that matters is that I have my Bella back in my arms, her warm body pressed against mine, her delicious lips kissing me. It's only been a minute, but already I can smell her arousal. I need to stop. I know I do, but just as I'm about to, I hear Emmett's voice in my head.

**"Ed, we need to talk about Bella. I know you're afraid to do more than kiss her and even then, I'm sure it's restrained. And I get it. Believe me I do. If Rose was human I'd be afraid to be with her too. But no matter how scared you are or how much you lose yourself in the moment, I know you won't hurt her. Every single day you handle your car keys, remotes, pencils, game controllers, CDs, hell you play the piano when you're angry or depressed…There are hundreds of things you handle every day that are infinitely more breakable than Bella and you've never hurt those. You don't have it in you to hurt her Eddie. So trust me. Stop rejecting her because every time you do, you chip off another piece of her already low and broken self-esteem. You don't stop rejecting her…she'll disappear right before your eyes."**

That was the most serious conversation I've ever had with Emmett and as I think back on it, I see that he's right. Now, I need to shut my brain off and trust myself…trust my heart…trust the control I've had over my strength for 90 years. For once, I need to listen to my brother. I would not reject my Bella again.  


  
Bella's POV

I just had the single most amazing moment of my life. I'm sure it was actually more than a moment, but when you want something to never end it seems to end that much quicker. Now, as I lie here wrapped in a sheet, my head against Edward's bare chest, I realize for the first time that maybe I survived that jump after all. "I'm alive aren't I?" I whisper, breaking the silence.

"Yes, my love. You're alive."

"And that just happened right? I didn't dream it?"

"If you dreamt it love, I doubt we would both be naked," he said, smiling that beautiful crooked smile of his.

"But I jumped off a cliff into the ocean. The waves were too powerful. I couldn't break free. I didn't really try to break free. How am I not dead? How did I get here? And why are you here?"

"We will discuss your attempt at suicide later. I'm here because Alice had a vision of your death. You're not dead because Carlisle saved you, which is also how you got to our house, here."

"But I was at La Push," I realize with a startled gasp as I sit up. "The treaty—"

"The treaty is intact. Don't worry. Lay back down and I'll tell you everything that happened. Well, everything that I know."

I had to know what was going on. How could the treaty be intact? Carlisle obviously broke it to get to me. I couldn't let the wolves attack my vampires. I would do everything I could to save them, but I did need to know what happened first. So I lay back down on Edward's chest, his arms immediately encircling me as he began his tale.

"Like I said, Alice had a vision of you jumping off a cliff. After that your future disappeared. When Rosalie told me, I called your house to see if it was true. Your father answered. I posed as Carlisle and asked if you were there. He said that he'd just talk to me and you were spending the weekend here with Alice. This obviously confused me so I called Carlisle. He said you were, in fact, at our house with him and Alice. He came here to save you. He said you left a message on our answering machine…a goodbye message that was about drowning. He immediately called your house, but there was no answer so he called the police station. He made up an excuse about a hospital paperwork mix-up and he needed to speak with you. Chief Swan told him you were going to the reservation to see Jacob. He then called Jacob's father, Billy. However, Billy said that he hadn't seen you all day and that Jacob was home asleep. So Carlisle informed him of the situation and asked him to temporarily revoke the treaty, otherwise he was going to break it."

"But the wolves—"

"I will explain. Billy told him that the wolves were back, but seeing as Billy is Ephraim Black's grandson, he alone had the power to alter the treaty. He sent Sam to wait for Carlisle at the border and escort him to the beach once he arrived. He knew that Carlisle would be your best chance of survival. Vampires are much faster in the water than the wolves and we're stronger. We also don't have to worry about coming up for air.

"Carlisle found you quickly. You still had a faint pulse, but you weren't breathing by the time he got you to the shore. After a few rounds of CPR, you coughed up the water in your lungs, but you fainted immediately after. You needed to be monitored and you were also a bit hypothermic due to the frigid water, so Carlisle brought you back here. Alice was waiting. She put you in a warm bath and once your temperature was high enough, Carlisle examined you to make sure you weren't hurt in any way. He was worried you were still unconscious, but he could tell from your face and the weight you've lost that you were exhausted and an ordeal like jumping off a cliff was probably just too much for your body to handle. He hooked you up to an IV and laid you in bed.

"When I called him, he explained everything to me and I got here as fast as I could. You are the most important thing in the world to me. I couldn't stand it if I lost you."

"Then why'd you leave me?" I asked my voice quiet and shy. I understood everything he'd explained to me so far. I understand that Carlisle saved me and even though I wanted to die, I'm glad he found me in time. If he hadn't, I wouldn't be laying in Edward's arms now. I wouldn't be about to listen to him explain the true reasons behind his leaving.

"Bella, when I told you…when I said what I did…I am an excellent liar. All vampires are. Telling you what I did…it was the only way. If I let you believe the truth…if I let you think I still loved you, I know you would have tried to follow me. So I had to lie to you. I had to protect you."

"From what? From Jasper?"

"From myself. I don't remember much from my human life Bella, but there are a few memories that are very clear. One of them being the first time I met Carlisle. I was sixteen and I had to take my mother to the hospital because she was hurt. My father had gotten drunk and he'd beaten her. He broke her arm. The next time he went after her, I got in the way. I tried to stop him. I tried to protect her. I was unconscious for two days.

"Bella, when I saw you bleeding because of me, because I hurt you…I couldn't bear it. I had become just like my father…I had become the man I swore I would never be like. I couldn't hurt you again. I had to get you away from me and breaking our hearts was the only way to do it."

Underneath my cheek, Edward's chest was wet with the tears I was shedding. My Edward was such a kind, gentle person. How could anyone justify beating him? Especially for trying to protect his mother. My poor love had had such a hard life. No wonder he was terrified when I was hurt. Now that I understood, I didn't blame him for running. But that didn't stop me from crying for him. He had endured so much despair. When I looked up at his saddened face, I could see the venom in his eyes, trying to break free. I slid up the bed a bit and pulled Edward's head against my own chest, wrapping my arms tight around him. I held him as he sobbed for his lost childhood, for not saving his mother, for hurting me, for hurting himself. He'd had so much hurt in his life and no one to hold him and tell him it would all be okay. I made a promise to myself right then. I would never let him push me away again. I would never doubt our love again. And I would always be his rock…the one to hold him tightly while he sobbed...the one to say, "Shh, my love. It's alright. Everything will be alright," as I gently ran my hand through his bronze locks.


	3. Chapter 3

Edward POV

I was currently sitting on a bar stool at the island in the kitchen, watching as Bella moved back and forth, chopping ingredients, stirring the items on the stove. She had such grace in the kitchen. It was easy to see cooking was something she loved to do. She was making Macaroni and Cheese with Pancetta and Leeks. Apparently, she'd come across the recipe years ago when her mother was on a Pancetta kick. Since then, it's become her signature dish and her favorite comfort food, which is why there were three large aluminum trays sitting on the island, waiting to be filled. There were already three trays of it cooking in the oven. Bella was making it to bring to the Reservation. This morning, after we had showered and dressed, Carlisle informed us of the death of Harry Clearwater. I held Bella in my arms as she cried. She'd known Harry her entire life. He was like her uncle. After she'd stopped coming to Forks to visit her dad, she called Harry every week to check up on his family and her father. She loved him very much.

Once she could no longer cry, she washed her face and asked me to drive her to the grocery store so she could make something for the family. She didn't want Sue, Harry's wife, to have to worry about cooking anything, especially if the Pack was going to be there. She'd seen how much those boys ate. Which is why she was making six giant trays of food. "Are you sure you don't want any help love?" I asked as she tried to lift a large pot of macaroni.

"Sure. Can you drain these noodles? The pot's too heavy for me to lift."

"Of course," I said as I moved around the island. I kissed her head before doing as she asked. There was nothing she could ask of me that I wouldn't do. The exception being gifts. She hated when people bought her things and frequently asked me not to, but that was one request I always ignored. I loved her more than anything in this world and if I wanted to spoil her rotten, I certainly had the means to.

A few hours later, all the food had been cooked and I got it loaded into the back of my Volvo. The plan was for me to drive to the boundary line, then for Bella to continue on by herself to the Clearwater's'. When she was ready to leave, she'd call me, drive to the boundary line where I'd meet her and drive her home. I didn't like it. I didn't want her around the wolves by herself, but she swore that she would be fine. I had no choice but to trust her. I would not forbid her from going and she didn't want me to risk a war by going with her. I could only hope the wolves were distracted enough by their grief that they wouldn't be a danger.

"Do I look alright?" Bella asked, pulling me from my thoughts. She stood before me in a strapless, reddish orange crochet-lace trim top, a light gray waterfall cardigan, dark blue bell bottom jeans and black boots. (Yes I know how to properly identify each item of clothing. It's impossible not to after living with Alice and her thoughts for all these years.)

"You look beautiful," I replied, gently kissing her lips before leading her to the passenger side of the car and helping her in. She was silent as we drove, staring out the window, but she kept hold of my hand. Several minutes later, I had gone as far as I could and pulled the car over to the side of the road. "Are you going to be alright by yourself love?"

Bella turned to look at me, her eyes watery, and gave me a small grin. "I'll be fine. My dad should be there…I need to do this."

"Alright. If you need me, call me and I will be there immediately, regardless of the treaty," I vowed.

"Don't you dare risk it Edward. I couldn't stand if something happened to you," she said softly as she got out of the car, coming around to the driver's side. I held her for a few minutes, just breathing her in, her doing the same with me. A few short minutes later she cleared her throat and pulled back slightly. We kissed for a moment, before she got into the car. "Go hunt," she ordered. "I'll call you later."

I stood there on the side of the road, watching her drive away until I could no longer see the car. When she was gone, I ran into the forest to do exactly as she said. If I was lucky I could find a mountain lion to take out my worry on.

Bella's POV

I refused to think about why I was going to the Reservation. If I let myself think about it, I would never make it. I'd break down into tears on the side of the road. So I simply let my mind focus on Edward instead. When we first met, I naturally thought he was gorgeous, but he always looked so serious…it made him look older than his age. When I'd woken up this morning, his eyes were so bright and happy…all the seriousness, all the weight he carried was gone and he truly looked seventeen. It thrilled me to see him like that. While I was in the kitchen cooking, he sat there and watched me with an adorable smile. I love him so much. In his arms last night I finally felt complete. The hole that had been inside me had closed and been sealed with cement the moment his lips touched mine. I was beyond ecstatic that he was back and that he truly did love me. I just wish that joy didn't have to be tainted with such sadness.

The sight of my father's cruiser in front of the Clearwater house pulled me from my thoughts. I quickly parked and popped the trunk. As soon as I got out of the car, I found five giant Quileutes standing in front of me. "Whoa guys," I said holding up my hands in the standard "I mean no harm" position. "It's just me."

"Why do you smell like a leech?" Jacob asked harshly.

"Probably because I've been at the Cullen's and this car belongs to one of them."

"Why did you—?"

"Enough Jake," Sam barked. "I already explained what happened. We have more important things to worry about right now. Besides, what Bella decides to do with her life is not our business unless it involves the treaty."

"Thank you Sam," I said softly. "I brought food. There's a lot of it though so if you guys could bring it into the house, I'd appreciate the help."

"Sure Bells," Embry chimed, moving towards the open trunk and picking up three of the trays. "Why are there six? Is that like, we each get one and then there's one left for everyone else to share?"

"Essentially that's it. I've seen how much you guys eat and I knew if I didn't bring a ton, no one else would get any."

"Sweetness," he said with a smile as he trotted off towards the house. Paul, Jared, and Sam took the remaining trays inside, leaving me alone with Jake.

"Can we talk?" He asked.

"Give me a few minutes? I want to go see Sue and my dad."

"Sure, sure."

Half an hour later, Jake and I were walking along the beach. "Bella…"

"I already know what you're going to ask Jacob. Yes, Edward's back. When he found out what I did, he came back and we talked about what happened. He explained his reasons for leaving and lying and we're back together."

"Lying?" He asked his brows knitted together in confusion. I wasn't planning on explaining though. Only Edward and I knew what he had told me that day in the forest and I intended to keep it that way. No one else ever needed to know the garbage he told me.

"It's not important."

"So just like that you're back together? What about me? Bella, I love you."

"I love you too Jake, but only as a friend. Even if I felt the same way about you that you feel about me, it would never work out and we know it."

"Why not? Why couldn't we make it work?"

"Because I'm not your imprint Jake. We both know that. If I did love you and we were together, when you finally did imprint, it would break my heart to lose you."

"You could be my imprint. You never know. These things don't always happen immediately. It could happen over time. Jared saw Kim everyday for a month before he imprinted on her."

"I can't be yours Jake because I'm already Edward's."

"What do you mean?"

"When a vampire finds a mate, it's like their version of imprinting. Your mate becomes the center of your universe and it physically hurts to be without them. Edward is my mate and nothing can ever change that. I'm sorry Jacob," I whispered as I walked away. I couldn't stand there any longer, staring at his broken hearted face. There was a part of me that wished I could love Jacob. He'd done so much for me when Edward was gone, but I just couldn't. I loved Jake like a brother, nothing more. I felt horrible that he was hurting though I knew that he'd eventually get over me. He'd imprint on someone else and he'd forget all about his feelings for me. Things were better this way. Even if Edward had never come back, I wouldn't let myself be with Jake. Edward had too much of my heart.

I walked back to the Clearwater's' and spent some time with everyone. The funeral was set for later that night, once the sun went down. Since Harry was an elder of the tribe, his funeral would be a sacred ceremony only Quileutes were allowed to attend. Charlie was allowed to go though. He'd been made an honorary member of the tribe ten years ago when he saved two Quileute kids who had been kidnapped. I had no problem missing it though. I mean…I loved Harry, but there was no way I'd be able to watch his burial. It would be too hard. So instead, I said my goodbyes to everyone, gave Sue and her kids my condolences, and with the promise of bringing more food the next day I got into the Volvo and set out for Forks. I knew Edward would be waiting for me on the treaty line so I didn't bother calling him. Instead I took a deep breath and headed back towards my life, my love, my future. Things with Jake would either work out or fall apart, but I could handle it. As long as I had Edward, there was nothing life could throw at me that I couldn't handle. 

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: The song is Drowning by Jay Brannan. The final verse has been cut out because it doesn't really flow, but it's an excellent song. Check it out. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tLprARJhI9I
> 
> Also, just a note. It's been a while since I read New Moon, so I'm not sure if she actually promises in that, but I know in the movie she doesn't actually agree not to do anything reckless. She just kind of huffs in response and he carries on making his promise.
> 
> This was previously posted on FFN (and a few other sites that have since gone down). I'm working on importing everything from FFN so I can close that account.


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